Loneliness

I think this is something that needs to be talked about.

The end of one year, coming into the beginning of a new one, really messes with my head. Another year gone. It has been a really distressing and painful experience. I’m not sure why. I guess I figured that I would be better by now and would be back to my old self. Instead, I am worse than ever, in some ways, and I don’t even remember who I was before all off this…or who I am now. Distressing.

With all of that, I think about the friends that have come and gone over the years, how much I miss them, how much everyone has changed and maybe I have too. I don’t forget friends, they stay in my heart even many years after they have moved on and forgotten me. I know I am an afterthought for most people (due to my severe lack of social skills) so I try not to check in on people or try to repair an old friendship because they aren’t interested. I have tried many times in the past and keep getting shut down. And what with university and more years passing, the last of my high school friends have slipped away. That just leaves me with the agonising realisation of just how alone I am. Not alone – lonely.

I have tried going out but I am so so bad in social situations. Even in my own family, I get ignored, ridiculed, and shunned, so I eventually give up. In public, with strangers, it is so much worse. I can barely get any words out and when I do, it is something stupid that nobody finds funny and we end up in an even deeper awkward silence.

So I think, maybe I could try to meet people online. Have some online friends. That would be nice. Skype, messenger, games. But how the hell do you meet people online? Seriously? I have made online friends in the past but now I don’t know how to do it. I’m so out of touch with reality and my social skills are getting worse than they already are with lack of practice. So with the two people I do talk to online, I am very bad at talking and it would probably take years to meet them in person, if ever. I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to be around people.

On top of all of that, last night, I was lying in bed and randomly a memory popped into my head. A bittersweet memory. I tried to remember the year, I think it was 2012 or 2013. I had a small group of friends, we were sitting in the entrance area of one of the drama rooms in the school during lunch and we would join in on Diablo Club held by what was probably my favourite teacher in the school. We used to go every thursday until there was a small falling out amongst the group and eventually diablo club was closed once we reached exam season. [As I’m writing, I just realised that it was 2012 because The Amazing Spider-man and Ice Age: Continental Drift were released the same year which I remember because the school did a thing where we could watch one of those movies]. Anyway, it’s not that exciting of a memory but life was good. 2012 was my favourite year and that time was genuinely the last time I was happy. Sure, I have been happy, smiled, and enjoyed myself since then but 2012 was the last time I was actually content in my life and happy about the way things were going. Things only got worse after that until now, as gradual a change as it may have been.

I’m telling you, loneliness messes with you. I thought I was moving on from those memories but in my loneliest moments, the memories creep back in and I will miss people I haven’t spoken to for years. On the off chance that you were one of my old friends and you’re reading this, I never forget how much my friends mean to me, they will always mean the world, and I will always be available to talk to. I know I may come off too strong but that is only because I have so much love in my heart and I think everyone deserves to feel loved but sometimes I come across a bit like an excitable puppy that jumps all over you. I have the best intentions but it doesn’t translate well to the humans who maybe have boundaries.

I guess the point of this rambly post was really to let out some of my thoughts over the last month. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore and that’s why I have this blog. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to or confide in so this blog is all I have. Ironically, I’ve been feeling so lonely that I haven’t felt like writing anything, if that is irony?

My final word will be:

Make sure, if you ever feel lonely, or if you just want to talk to someone, reach out to me because I don’t want anyone to feel that way and I could use the company too.

Farewell, until we meet again.

Goals of 2018…12 months later

Lose Weight

Since my last goal update, I have maintained my weight. That means that this year, I have lost 26lbs. I definitely lost weight. I can’t wait to see what next year brings for my my health but this year was definitely a huge step in the right direction.

6 Books Read

I did not do this. I am reading about 5 or 6 books currently and am slowly making progress through all of them, they will probably be finished next year.

10 Projects Completed

Other than the 5 I already completed (blanket, mitten, pug, chibi drawings, unicorn earrings, clay cats), I can think of a few other things I completed since then: unicorn cake, portrait of Jeff Hardy, Bojack Horseman clay figure, scrapbook for clothing designs, and some digital outfits that I made on IMVU. There may be more but that’s 10. Really the point of the goal was to get me doing creative things again. All the things I listed are either on my instagram or will be posted eventually.

Make Progress On Story

I decided against this goal so I could put all my writing efforts into this blog. I haven’t given up on the idea of making a story but I want the story to be right for me and I want my writing to improve first. It will happen eventually but my focus is somewhere more important.

Start Selling on etsy

I was selling on etsy but lack of sales forced me to stop. For next year, I will be focusing more on improving the quality of my products and put more effort into advertising and sharing my shop.

100 Followers on this blog

I only got to 28 but that is pretty good considering how inconsistent I am on here. Next year, I will be posting more and my content quality will improve and become more consistent.

Start Education Blog

As I said in the last post: “I did it, then I decided that I really didn’t need two blogs. I merged them, now we are one. I like it better like this. It will be a good mix of personal things and the stuff I’m passionate about.”

In conclusion, this has been a struggly year. I can’t promise everything will be perfect next year but I can promise that I have learnt and I have improved. Things can only get better.

Farewell, until we meet again. Happy New Year!

One year on this blog!

It’s been a long year but somehow, someway, I’m still here today.

I wish I could make the same tired promise that I’m going to be posting more regularly and it will get more interesting and that there will be a structure but its just simply not true. I can’t make that promise.

What I can promise is no matter how unproductive, unmotivated, and exhausted I feel, I will not give up on this blog. It is something I have been fighting for for my whole life and nobody can take it from me. I know I have so much to give, there are countless ideas and stories in my brain and I am eager to get them out of my head and into the rest of the world’s heads. The tricky part is finding the words to do that.

What’s to come for the next year? I will try to do more projects like tricky cakes, crafts, and whatever other artsy challenges I want to give the old college try. Even if they are once-in-a-while things, I feel like quality is better than quantity? I also want to do more reviews and opinion-based posts for things like food (meals and treats), games, and other things that people suggest. Feel free to leave a comment about anything else you would like to see on this blog.

Overall, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved this year. I have 23 more posts than I did a year ago, 28 more followers. I now have a year of blog writing experience, something that can only help with my future work. I’ve learned an awful lot about blogs and just how hard they are to keep up. Seriously. I don’t know how people manage to keep successful blogs up for years without running out of ideas or motivation. It’s crazy. But most of all, I am proud of my perseverance. I didn’t give up, a fact that will always shock me. This blog has lasted for a whole year and I can’t wait to see it go on for many more.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sticking around.

The will to live.

A trigger warning is probably due.

I am a strong believer that the greatest force in human life is the will to live, so being in a place so dark that you no longer feel that there is a reason to live can be so incredibly hard to break out of.

Despite my severe case of thantophobia, I have a tendency to be very suicidal; narrowly avoiding attempts by remembering that dying will bring me death? I have tried to kill myself many times: tied belts, socks, robe cords, etc. around my neck, held an entire packet of my heart medication in the palm of my hand, stood in the middle of the road waiting to be hit, the list goes on but none of these events have ever had me follow through because I know what will be next. Death.

I want to die. I want the constant pain and torture of my life to stop. I struggle so much on a daily basis and I am not coping. I can barely do basic tasks like brushing my teeth, making some food, and cleaning dishes. Now, I’m not saying that I have it worse than everybody else, because I don’t, but my pain is real and it is valid. I can’t go through life feeling like this anymore. In that sense, I want to die. But I don’t want to be dead. Every single day is a constant battle with myself because I am terrified of dying but I’m also terrified of life and what more it will take from me. I don’t know which is more important to me, which I am more afraid of.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was, or if there was a point at all other than letting out some thoughts. I’m not sure how to fix this thought process or if it ever go. Will I ever stop being so afraid of both life and death, and start living my life the way I was supposed to? Who knows? The one thing I do know is that I have a lot of hope that one day, it will happen. I’ll get everything I ever wanted. I’ll be my true self and I won’t care what anybody thinks of me.

But you know what they say about hope…

Goals of 2018…8 Months Later

Lose Weight

Since my last goal update, I have lost 26lbs (nearly 2 stone)! I have still got a ways to go but it seems to be getting better. I have developed a weird thing, for lack of a better word, where I was eating cookies and ice cream, which should be this delicious treat, and I was not enjoying it. Then I was eating steamed vegetables and hummus, or avocado salad, and I was on cloud nine. Surely something has gone wrong when salad is more appealing than cookies and ice cream, right? But at least that’d explain the weight loss.

I have definitely lost weight, I’d say this goal is a success. Huzzah!

6 Books Read

I have made a little progress. I am currently reading 5 books – well, I say reading, what I really mean is avoiding it like the plague and then feeling really guilty that I didn’t do some reading.Β It’s not even that the books aren’t enjoyable or interesting, I just don’t have the motivation. I’m not sure I can read 4 1/2 books in 3 months. Bit of a challenge.

10 Projects Completed

Not entirely sure what I initially classed as a project. I have definitely kept busy. A quick instagram check and browse around my room tells me that I have completed 6 projects that I can find (blanket, mitten, pug, chibi drawings, unicorn earrings, clay cats), and have about 2 projects in progress.

Whoaaaa we’re halfway there, WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA….

Make Progress On Story

I think I gave up on this one. I think I decided that I was going to put more attention into reading and my blog…glad that decision paid off.

Start Selling on etsy

Technically, right, I did. Nobody bought anything, then I ran out of energy. However, a few people have shown interest in possibly buying a few of my things and hopefully, as my blog and instagram grow a bit, more people will be interested. Probably not until next year though.

I have quite a few ideas of stuff to sell, hang tight. Also, if you see anything on my blog or instagram that you might want to buy, let me know.

100 Followers on this blog

24, as of right now

Start Education Blog

I did it, then I decided that I really didn’t need two blogs. I merged them, now we are one. I like it better like this. It will be a good mix of personal things and the stuff I’m passionate about.

 

To conclude, fatigue and ambition: good combo, they are not. Yet, somehow, I have done some stuff. And I am more active on my blog now, as well. Let’s hope that sticks.


To all of you,

You have to know how difficult it is for me to find the words to express whatever nonsense is going on in my head. It’s almost as tricky as it is for RUN-DMC to rock a rhyme on time (not my joke).

So, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) but I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read my rambling mess of a blog.

There is so much more for me to talk about, this really is only the beginning. With my perseverance and your support, we can really make something great.

Thank you for reading.

-Raven


QOTD: What would you like me to talk about on this blog?

My Life With Depression & Why I Keep Disappearing (personal update)

This will not be like my usual posts. This is more of a personal update.

When I started this blog, I wanted everything to be positive so I never wanted to talk about my struggle with depression. Now, I see how stupid that plan was because it isn’t easy to stay positive on a blog when everything in your head is negative. Ignoring it didn’t help so I just ended up avoiding work altogether. I would like this to change.

Addressing my depression isn’t about being positive or negative, it is about getting the reality of my illness into the open. And it is an illness. Some days I feel okay, I can get stuff done, I can cook, clean, and work until ridiculous hours of the morning. But then there are the bad days. The days where I can barely move, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t even begin to think about anything.

For a while there, a little over a month, things were pretty good. I thought maybe the depression was starting to go away since I was doing so much work and had so much motivation. But I was wrong. Since my last blog post, I have sat at this computer most every day trying to find motivation to write or draw or something; anything that I could put on here because I love this blog and I desperately want to keep it going so it can improve and grow.

So the question for me to figure out is what do I do now? I really don’t know. Maybe I will do more updates. I could talk more about personal stuff, more about the good and bad days of depression. This is temporary, I don’t know how long it will last but it will end.

 

Goals of 2018…4 Months Later

Lose Weight

So far, I haven’t as much lost weight as I have maintained my weight. With that being said, I have changed diet quite a lot to include more vegetables and beans, and a lot less bread (which I have a tendency to comfort eat)

I have also been using the earthmiles app to encourage me to do more walking. They offer discounts on health and fitness foods, drinks, clothes, and other equipment.

6 Books Read

I have read one book so far: The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris. I am currently reading 3 other books so, hopefully, I will finish those soon. I would say that I’m on schedule.

10 Projects Completed

I didn’t exactly specify what “project” meant exactly. I have been keeping busy. I have completed one drawing so far. I have about 4 other projects lined up.

Make Progress On Story

In November, I started to write a short story which developed into a linger story idea, possibly even a novel. I got stuck on a certain part of the plot and took a break to think about it. It’s been 6 months. I still haven’t figured it out. This is a goal that I am not keeping up with. I’m glad I didn’t this update, though, as it has reminded me to get back to work.

Start Selling on etsy

Since 4 months ago, I have adjusted and changed my goal ideas for selling things. I still want to sell stuff that I’ve made, but I have decided two things: a) I want to open my own shop on my own website, and, b) I want to out more focus into this blog and simply do not have the time to have a shop right now.

My Etsy shop is open and I’m selling a few bits, but for the time being, I don’t want to put anything else on there. So this goal is done.

100 Followers on this blog

I have high hopes for my blogs. I would like to have at least 100 followers on this blog and my other blog by the end of the year.

I know that if I want to achieve this, I have to keep the quality of my posts to a high (or higher) standard, and I need to post way more often. It had been hard for me to keep up to date with this blog, what with mental health getting in the way, but I will always keep trying to make this blog everything I want it to be.

Start Education Blog

Whoop! A goal I have actually done! My education blog is TFORCERAVEN, a name that I might change in the future; I am taking suggestions. I don’t post as often as I would like (big shocker there) but it is up! It exists and I have ideas and posts lined up and ready to happen.

 

To conclude, I think I am making good progress with my goals. My main goal (which isn’t listed here) is to take more time out of the day to work on my blogs. They have the potential to be really good and it sucks that right now, they aren’t so good.


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QOTD: What posts would you like to see on this blog?