Loneliness

I think this is something that needs to be talked about.

The end of one year, coming into the beginning of a new one, really messes with my head. Another year gone. It has been a really distressing and painful experience. I’m not sure why. I guess I figured that I would be better by now and would be back to my old self. Instead, I am worse than ever, in some ways, and I don’t even remember who I was before all off this…or who I am now. Distressing.

With all of that, I think about the friends that have come and gone over the years, how much I miss them, how much everyone has changed and maybe I have too. I don’t forget friends, they stay in my heart even many years after they have moved on and forgotten me. I know I am an afterthought for most people (due to my severe lack of social skills) so I try not to check in on people or try to repair an old friendship because they aren’t interested. I have tried many times in the past and keep getting shut down. And what with university and more years passing, the last of my high school friends have slipped away. That just leaves me with the agonising realisation of just how alone I am. Not alone – lonely.

I have tried going out but I am so so bad in social situations. Even in my own family, I get ignored, ridiculed, and shunned, so I eventually give up. In public, with strangers, it is so much worse. I can barely get any words out and when I do, it is something stupid that nobody finds funny and we end up in an even deeper awkward silence.

So I think, maybe I could try to meet people online. Have some online friends. That would be nice. Skype, messenger, games. But how the hell do you meet people online? Seriously? I have made online friends in the past but now I don’t know how to do it. I’m so out of touch with reality and my social skills are getting worse than they already are with lack of practice. So with the two people I do talk to online, I am very bad at talking and it would probably take years to meet them in person, if ever. I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to be around people.

On top of all of that, last night, I was lying in bed and randomly a memory popped into my head. A bittersweet memory. I tried to remember the year, I think it was 2012 or 2013. I had a small group of friends, we were sitting in the entrance area of one of the drama rooms in the school during lunch and we would join in on Diablo Club held by what was probably my favourite teacher in the school. We used to go every thursday until there was a small falling out amongst the group and eventually diablo club was closed once we reached exam season. [As I’m writing, I just realised that it was 2012 because The Amazing Spider-man and Ice Age: Continental Drift were released the same year which I remember because the school did a thing where we could watch one of those movies]. Anyway, it’s not that exciting of a memory but life was good. 2012 was my favourite year and that time was genuinely the last time I was happy. Sure, I have been happy, smiled, and enjoyed myself since then but 2012 was the last time I was actually content in my life and happy about the way things were going. Things only got worse after that until now, as gradual a change as it may have been.

I’m telling you, loneliness messes with you. I thought I was moving on from those memories but in my loneliest moments, the memories creep back in and I will miss people I haven’t spoken to for years. On the off chance that you were one of my old friends and you’re reading this, I never forget how much my friends mean to me, they will always mean the world, and I will always be available to talk to. I know I may come off too strong but that is only because I have so much love in my heart and I think everyone deserves to feel loved but sometimes I come across a bit like an excitable puppy that jumps all over you. I have the best intentions but it doesn’t translate well to the humans who maybe have boundaries.

I guess the point of this rambly post was really to let out some of my thoughts over the last month. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore and that’s why I have this blog. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to or confide in so this blog is all I have. Ironically, I’ve been feeling so lonely that I haven’t felt like writing anything, if that is irony?

My final word will be:

Make sure, if you ever feel lonely, or if you just want to talk to someone, reach out to me because I don’t want anyone to feel that way and I could use the company too.

Farewell, until we meet again.

Advice to me, from me…

I wanted to talk a little bit about some of the mistakes or misjudgements I have made throughout my life and what I would say to myself if I was my friend (or something like that). I’m still very young so I hope I can learn from these things because I don’t want the things of my past to take over my future. Hopefully, somebody else can relate to this. These are just some of the mistakes I have made:

  • Judging people for their mistakes – even if you are right about them doing the wrong thing, give them a break. Realistically, you don’t know what they are going through in their own head. Please understand their decision, and help them back onto the right path when things don’t go well.
  • Being too overprotective with the people you care about – It is good to care, don’t ever stop loving, caring, and helping, but the people you love don’t always want what is best for them. You can’t save everyone. Say your piece, then let them make their own choice, they will find their way when they are ready.
  • Being too overbearing with people who treat you kindly – just because somebody was nice to you that one time, it doesn’t mean they are your best friend. Accept that not everybody will like you as much as you like them.
  • Pushing away the people you should hold close – however, some people do like you as much as you like them, don’t push them away because you are too scared to get hurt again. Let yourself get hurt, the pain is worth it to find a true friend who will stand by you.
  • The countless times I have felt guilty for being overweight – it is okay, as long as you are improving your diet, getting your exercise, and taking care of yourself, it is okay; the weight will go eventually. Don’t feel guilty.
  • Letting what people think of me control my life – stop hiding away because somebody said you are weird, you don’t have to prove anything to anybody. Be yourself. If people can’t see you for who you really are, you don’t need them.
  • Becoming obsessive about the past – you need to move on. You can’t spend days and nights coming up with things you could have said or done. People leave your life, you can’t get them back by wishful thinking. Talk to them, or move on, or both.

“Forget the past but never forget what it taught you”.


What advice would you give yourself?

Goals of 2018…8 Months Later

Lose Weight

Since my last goal update, I have lost 26lbs (nearly 2 stone)! I have still got a ways to go but it seems to be getting better. I have developed a weird thing, for lack of a better word, where I was eating cookies and ice cream, which should be this delicious treat, and I was not enjoying it. Then I was eating steamed vegetables and hummus, or avocado salad, and I was on cloud nine. Surely something has gone wrong when salad is more appealing than cookies and ice cream, right? But at least that’d explain the weight loss.

I have definitely lost weight, I’d say this goal is a success. Huzzah!

6 Books Read

I have made a little progress. I am currently reading 5 books – well, I say reading, what I really mean is avoiding it like the plague and then feeling really guilty that I didn’t do some reading. It’s not even that the books aren’t enjoyable or interesting, I just don’t have the motivation. I’m not sure I can read 4 1/2 books in 3 months. Bit of a challenge.

10 Projects Completed

Not entirely sure what I initially classed as a project. I have definitely kept busy. A quick instagram check and browse around my room tells me that I have completed 6 projects that I can find (blanket, mitten, pug, chibi drawings, unicorn earrings, clay cats), and have about 2 projects in progress.

Whoaaaa we’re halfway there, WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA….

Make Progress On Story

I think I gave up on this one. I think I decided that I was going to put more attention into reading and my blog…glad that decision paid off.

Start Selling on etsy

Technically, right, I did. Nobody bought anything, then I ran out of energy. However, a few people have shown interest in possibly buying a few of my things and hopefully, as my blog and instagram grow a bit, more people will be interested. Probably not until next year though.

I have quite a few ideas of stuff to sell, hang tight. Also, if you see anything on my blog or instagram that you might want to buy, let me know.

100 Followers on this blog

24, as of right now

Start Education Blog

I did it, then I decided that I really didn’t need two blogs. I merged them, now we are one. I like it better like this. It will be a good mix of personal things and the stuff I’m passionate about.

 

To conclude, fatigue and ambition: good combo, they are not. Yet, somehow, I have done some stuff. And I am more active on my blog now, as well. Let’s hope that sticks.


To all of you,

You have to know how difficult it is for me to find the words to express whatever nonsense is going on in my head. It’s almost as tricky as it is for RUN-DMC to rock a rhyme on time (not my joke).

So, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) but I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read my rambling mess of a blog.

There is so much more for me to talk about, this really is only the beginning. With my perseverance and your support, we can really make something great.

Thank you for reading.

-Raven


QOTD: What would you like me to talk about on this blog?

Thantophobia

TRIGGER WARNING!

I really don’t want to talk about this.

Lately, I have not been in a good place. This is because I suffer from thantophobia, the fear of death. I have been going through this for the last 5 years, give or take. It is really hard to talk about and I’m not sure I will get through this post without having a panic attack, but I need to get this thought out of my head.

My fear is not the manner in which I die, that doesn’t concern me. I don’t think about that. The fear is what comes after. Generally, I am a very open-minded person. I am not religious or spiritual, I don’t follow any type of belief system, but I don’t not believe believe anything either. I won’t be the guy to say whether or not something is real or fake because I don’t know anything. I know nothing, at the end of the day. But when it comes to dying, nothing can sway the thought of eternal oblivion.

I can’t talk about “would you rather” questions like “would you rather die of cold or die of heat?”, I can’t even consider becoming an organ donor (even though I want to because it’s a great thing to do), I can’t even sleep sometimes because I’m afraid I won’t wake up. If death is like a dreamless sleep, how can I go to sleep knowing that?

Usually, I can somewhat keep the thoughts away with grounding techniques, games, reading, or just consuming myself in some random activity but today has been so bad. The thoughts will not go. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t see a way out. Death is going to happen, there is nothing I can do about it. I keep having panic attacks; I can’t calm down. I don’t know what to do.

If anyone has advice, do leave a comment. I’ll pretty much listen to anything.

Thanks

Fatigue, depression, and daily life.

My motivation to continue this blog is getting stronger every day, but with each day comes more exhaustion. It is a constant battle. I never know what to say or how to quite put it into words. This blog was never supposed to exit the subject of my passions for art, psychology, health, and other things which I could talk for hours on end about, but I can’t keep that up when there is something nagging in my ear on a daily basis. I never talk about my illnesses. I never wanted this blog to be all that personal. But this blog has become nonexistent in the last few months when it once seemed like it was going somewhere. I have planned out post after post after post. I probably have at least 20 bits of paper full of information ready to be adapted into a post, but I simply don’t have it in me to do it.

I am so tired. Every day I have to force myself out of bed. Then I have to decide what it is I do that day: cook, clean, shower, or work? I only have the energy for one, sometimes not even that. I go days without doing any of it.

Everybody tells me to try harder, that all I need is a better diet and some exercise and I’ll be fine. I know the truth. I know it is way more than that. My diet is far from being perfect, I know that, but it isn’t bad. Certainly not bad enough to feel like this. So maybe exercise? When the exhaustion first hit, I had a good diet and I was doing a good 15 – 20 minutes of exercise per day. The reason it stopped was because I got too tired to carry on. It can’t be that. I was healthy when it happened so it can’t be lifestyle.

“Lazy” feels like somebody is pouring lava in my eyes. Few things in life hurt more than hearing the word “lazy” directed at me. I think back to 2 – 3 years ago, going out and seeing people all day, cooking healthy meals, keeping things clean and tidy. Life was good. You think that if I had a choice of things to do in a day, I would choose to sit and do nothing all day? Oh, god no! If I had the energy, I would have made it through my Month of May challenge to cook a different European meal everyday. I got two days in before the energy disappeared and never came back. I would have gotten a job, my dream job, writing a blog and creating videos. Something I thought I would have achieved by now, considering I’ve been working for this for 10 years. But I just can’t do it. I do so much but instead I’m stuck here feeling like crap.

No diagnosis. Nobody knows what’s wrong with me. Nobody knows how to help me. There seems to be no end to the way I am feeling. I apologise deeply for the lack of posts, and if this post was jumbled up and all over the place, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

If anybody knows any way to help, please let me know. I’m stuck in this limbo of nothingness and and I am completely out of ideas.

Heatwaves, Depression, and Future Plans

Ah to find the energy to work, I would do anything.

The motivation is back but I now lack the drive. Probably due to this incessant heatwave. I can’t take it anymore. I have never liked hot weather, but this is just ridiculous.

I have filmed a few videos for my YouTube but I don’t know when, if at all, I am going to edit and upload them. If I do know one thing, it is that I can’t take these long breaks anymore. It just makes it even harder to come back and get into the system again. So we have to have an action plan.

My plan is basically to post whatever I can. That could be an update, a review, a rant, maybe even a short story – anything as long as I keep working. The second part of the plan is to do videos as well. I have started this by trying to go on YouNow and do live videos to get used to talking to a camera. It’s awkward and it gets harder the less you do it. The third part of the plan is to spend extra time studying, researching, and making stuff. That way, I will always have ideas for what to post about.

I apologise for the absence and lack of decent content. I’m working on it and maybe my next post can be a more detailed look at depression and other mental illnesses.

This post is a mess.

Please leave some ideas for blog posts. Things will return to a normal schedule soon.

Thank you.

Essential Oils and Aromatherapy

Believe it or not, aromatherapy can have a huge impact on your body and mind, affecting the way you think and feel. There are many ways in which to use essential oils, and many benefits you can receive from them.

Before we start, please visit my Essential Oils For Aromatherapy blog where I list different oils, what they are best used for, and what other oils complement them. This blog will focus on how to use oils and how it helps.

Make sure that any oils you use cosmetically is therapeutic grade, otherwise they can irritate your skin.

Burning Them

How: To burn essential oils, you can get an oil burner or an oil diffuser (see links at the end of this post).

Benefits: Easier breathing – reduces inflammations and congestion, improves cognitive function, freshen the room.

Oil diffusers and burners tend to be cheaper than candles, so you would be getting more for your money. Oils are also more potent than candles so you would be using a lot less, and the smell would fill the room more efficiently.

Room Spray

How: Essential Oils and water into a glass spray bottle (there is a recipe in the links below, I will also be working on some of my own).

Benefits: Simple and easy to make, it doesn’t require a ridiculous amount of extra chemicals. You can freshen up the room and decide what you want the room to smell like. There are no foreign chemicals that are dangerous to inhale, like a lot of other room sprays and air fresheners.

Perfume/Body spray

How: Essential Oils with either an oil base, or an alcohol base. Into a glass spray-bottle. There is a recipe in the links but try to be adventurous and use different scents.

Benefits: Much better for your skin. There aren’t any toxic ingredients that irritate your skin. It will smell a lot nicer and be your own personal scent. It is much, much cheaper than the fancy perfumes that usually don’t smell that nice anyway.

Hair

How: You can mix different oils together, or use just one oil. Simply rub a few drops into your hair (on their own or with your shampoo/conditioner).

Benefits: The main benefit is that you can target specific problems your hair may have. For example:

  • Thinning hair – Peppermint, tea tree
  • Fine hair – Aloe Vera
  • Dry hair – Shea Butter, avocado oil
  • Dry scalp – Chamomile, rosemary, thyme

Side note: Dr Bronner’s Castile Soap is very natural, with lots of essential oils. There are many scents to choose from (my favourites are green tea, citrus, and lavender, to name a few) or you can choose the plain one and add your own oils. You can use it on hair, skin, even to wash dishes.

Lotion/Body Butter

How: 75% solid carriers (coconut oil, shea butter, cocoa butter, etc.) with 25% liquid oils. There is a recipe in the link below with a method on how to make it.

Benefits: Specific to your skin’s needs, with no irritating or toxic ingredients.

Massage

How: Just rub oils into your skin. When you get a massage, ask the masseuse for a specific oil or bring your own blend.

Benefits: You can target specific muscle and joint pains, certain oils decrease pain. Makes a massage more smooth and relaxing, and leaves your skin feeling soft and hydrated after.

The added benefit to using homemade products is that you know that there is no animal products and no animal testing going into the things you use. Making any product you make vegan friendly.


QOTD: What essential oils work best for you? How do you use it? Where do you buy it?


Sources and further reading: