Loneliness

I think this is something that needs to be talked about.

The end of one year, coming into the beginning of a new one, really messes with my head. Another year gone. It has been a really distressing and painful experience. I’m not sure why. I guess I figured that I would be better by now and would be back to my old self. Instead, I am worse than ever, in some ways, and I don’t even remember who I was before all off this…or who I am now. Distressing.

With all of that, I think about the friends that have come and gone over the years, how much I miss them, how much everyone has changed and maybe I have too. I don’t forget friends, they stay in my heart even many years after they have moved on and forgotten me. I know I am an afterthought for most people (due to my severe lack of social skills) so I try not to check in on people or try to repair an old friendship because they aren’t interested. I have tried many times in the past and keep getting shut down. And what with university and more years passing, the last of my high school friends have slipped away. That just leaves me with the agonising realisation of just how alone I am. Not alone – lonely.

I have tried going out but I am so so bad in social situations. Even in my own family, I get ignored, ridiculed, and shunned, so I eventually give up. In public, with strangers, it is so much worse. I can barely get any words out and when I do, it is something stupid that nobody finds funny and we end up in an even deeper awkward silence.

So I think, maybe I could try to meet people online. Have some online friends. That would be nice. Skype, messenger, games. But how the hell do you meet people online? Seriously? I have made online friends in the past but now I don’t know how to do it. I’m so out of touch with reality and my social skills are getting worse than they already are with lack of practice. So with the two people I do talk to online, I am very bad at talking and it would probably take years to meet them in person, if ever. I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to be around people.

On top of all of that, last night, I was lying in bed and randomly a memory popped into my head. A bittersweet memory. I tried to remember the year, I think it was 2012 or 2013. I had a small group of friends, we were sitting in the entrance area of one of the drama rooms in the school during lunch and we would join in on Diablo Club held by what was probably my favourite teacher in the school. We used to go every thursday until there was a small falling out amongst the group and eventually diablo club was closed once we reached exam season. [As I’m writing, I just realised that it was 2012 because The Amazing Spider-man and Ice Age: Continental Drift were released the same year which I remember because the school did a thing where we could watch one of those movies]. Anyway, it’s not that exciting of a memory but life was good. 2012 was my favourite year and that time was genuinely the last time I was happy. Sure, I have been happy, smiled, and enjoyed myself since then but 2012 was the last time I was actually content in my life and happy about the way things were going. Things only got worse after that until now, as gradual a change as it may have been.

I’m telling you, loneliness messes with you. I thought I was moving on from those memories but in my loneliest moments, the memories creep back in and I will miss people I haven’t spoken to for years. On the off chance that you were one of my old friends and you’re reading this, I never forget how much my friends mean to me, they will always mean the world, and I will always be available to talk to. I know I may come off too strong but that is only because I have so much love in my heart and I think everyone deserves to feel loved but sometimes I come across a bit like an excitable puppy that jumps all over you. I have the best intentions but it doesn’t translate well to the humans who maybe have boundaries.

I guess the point of this rambly post was really to let out some of my thoughts over the last month. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore and that’s why I have this blog. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to or confide in so this blog is all I have. Ironically, I’ve been feeling so lonely that I haven’t felt like writing anything, if that is irony?

My final word will be:

Make sure, if you ever feel lonely, or if you just want to talk to someone, reach out to me because I don’t want anyone to feel that way and I could use the company too.

Farewell, until we meet again.

The will to live.

A trigger warning is probably due.

I am a strong believer that the greatest force in human life is the will to live, so being in a place so dark that you no longer feel that there is a reason to live can be so incredibly hard to break out of.

Despite my severe case of thantophobia, I have a tendency to be very suicidal; narrowly avoiding attempts by remembering that dying will bring me death? I have tried to kill myself many times: tied belts, socks, robe cords, etc. around my neck, held an entire packet of my heart medication in the palm of my hand, stood in the middle of the road waiting to be hit, the list goes on but none of these events have ever had me follow through because I know what will be next. Death.

I want to die. I want the constant pain and torture of my life to stop. I struggle so much on a daily basis and I am not coping. I can barely do basic tasks like brushing my teeth, making some food, and cleaning dishes. Now, I’m not saying that I have it worse than everybody else, because I don’t, but my pain is real and it is valid. I can’t go through life feeling like this anymore. In that sense, I want to die. But I don’t want to be dead. Every single day is a constant battle with myself because I am terrified of dying but I’m also terrified of life and what more it will take from me. I don’t know which is more important to me, which I am more afraid of.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was, or if there was a point at all other than letting out some thoughts. I’m not sure how to fix this thought process or if it ever go. Will I ever stop being so afraid of both life and death, and start living my life the way I was supposed to? Who knows? The one thing I do know is that I have a lot of hope that one day, it will happen. I’ll get everything I ever wanted. I’ll be my true self and I won’t care what anybody thinks of me.

But you know what they say about hope…

Thantophobia

TRIGGER WARNING!

I really don’t want to talk about this.

Lately, I have not been in a good place. This is because I suffer from thantophobia, the fear of death. I have been going through this for the last 5 years, give or take. It is really hard to talk about and I’m not sure I will get through this post without having a panic attack, but I need to get this thought out of my head.

My fear is not the manner in which I die, that doesn’t concern me. I don’t think about that. The fear is what comes after. Generally, I am a very open-minded person. I am not religious or spiritual, I don’t follow any type of belief system, but I don’t not believe believe anything either. I won’t be the guy to say whether or not something is real or fake because I don’t know anything. I know nothing, at the end of the day. But when it comes to dying, nothing can sway the thought of eternal oblivion.

I can’t talk about “would you rather” questions like “would you rather die of cold or die of heat?”, I can’t even consider becoming an organ donor (even though I want to because it’s a great thing to do), I can’t even sleep sometimes because I’m afraid I won’t wake up. If death is like a dreamless sleep, how can I go to sleep knowing that?

Usually, I can somewhat keep the thoughts away with grounding techniques, games, reading, or just consuming myself in some random activity but today has been so bad. The thoughts will not go. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t see a way out. Death is going to happen, there is nothing I can do about it. I keep having panic attacks; I can’t calm down. I don’t know what to do.

If anyone has advice, do leave a comment. I’ll pretty much listen to anything.

Thanks

Fatigue, depression, and daily life.

My motivation to continue this blog is getting stronger every day, but with each day comes more exhaustion. It is a constant battle. I never know what to say or how to quite put it into words. This blog was never supposed to exit the subject of my passions for art, psychology, health, and other things which I could talk for hours on end about, but I can’t keep that up when there is something nagging in my ear on a daily basis. I never talk about my illnesses. I never wanted this blog to be all that personal. But this blog has become nonexistent in the last few months when it once seemed like it was going somewhere. I have planned out post after post after post. I probably have at least 20 bits of paper full of information ready to be adapted into a post, but I simply don’t have it in me to do it.

I am so tired. Every day I have to force myself out of bed. Then I have to decide what it is I do that day: cook, clean, shower, or work? I only have the energy for one, sometimes not even that. I go days without doing any of it.

Everybody tells me to try harder, that all I need is a better diet and some exercise and I’ll be fine. I know the truth. I know it is way more than that. My diet is far from being perfect, I know that, but it isn’t bad. Certainly not bad enough to feel like this. So maybe exercise? When the exhaustion first hit, I had a good diet and I was doing a good 15 – 20 minutes of exercise per day. The reason it stopped was because I got too tired to carry on. It can’t be that. I was healthy when it happened so it can’t be lifestyle.

“Lazy” feels like somebody is pouring lava in my eyes. Few things in life hurt more than hearing the word “lazy” directed at me. I think back to 2 – 3 years ago, going out and seeing people all day, cooking healthy meals, keeping things clean and tidy. Life was good. You think that if I had a choice of things to do in a day, I would choose to sit and do nothing all day? Oh, god no! If I had the energy, I would have made it through my Month of May challenge to cook a different European meal everyday. I got two days in before the energy disappeared and never came back. I would have gotten a job, my dream job, writing a blog and creating videos. Something I thought I would have achieved by now, considering I’ve been working for this for 10 years. But I just can’t do it. I do so much but instead I’m stuck here feeling like crap.

No diagnosis. Nobody knows what’s wrong with me. Nobody knows how to help me. There seems to be no end to the way I am feeling. I apologise deeply for the lack of posts, and if this post was jumbled up and all over the place, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

If anybody knows any way to help, please let me know. I’m stuck in this limbo of nothingness and and I am completely out of ideas.

Heatwaves, Depression, and Future Plans

Ah to find the energy to work, I would do anything.

The motivation is back but I now lack the drive. Probably due to this incessant heatwave. I can’t take it anymore. I have never liked hot weather, but this is just ridiculous.

I have filmed a few videos for my YouTube but I don’t know when, if at all, I am going to edit and upload them. If I do know one thing, it is that I can’t take these long breaks anymore. It just makes it even harder to come back and get into the system again. So we have to have an action plan.

My plan is basically to post whatever I can. That could be an update, a review, a rant, maybe even a short story – anything as long as I keep working. The second part of the plan is to do videos as well. I have started this by trying to go on YouNow and do live videos to get used to talking to a camera. It’s awkward and it gets harder the less you do it. The third part of the plan is to spend extra time studying, researching, and making stuff. That way, I will always have ideas for what to post about.

I apologise for the absence and lack of decent content. I’m working on it and maybe my next post can be a more detailed look at depression and other mental illnesses.

This post is a mess.

Please leave some ideas for blog posts. Things will return to a normal schedule soon.

Thank you.

Essential Oils and Aromatherapy

Believe it or not, aromatherapy can have a huge impact on your body and mind, affecting the way you think and feel. There are many ways in which to use essential oils, and many benefits you can receive from them.

Before we start, please visit my Essential Oils For Aromatherapy blog where I list different oils, what they are best used for, and what other oils complement them. This blog will focus on how to use oils and how it helps.

Make sure that any oils you use cosmetically is therapeutic grade, otherwise they can irritate your skin.

Burning Them

How: To burn essential oils, you can get an oil burner or an oil diffuser (see links at the end of this post).

Benefits: Easier breathing – reduces inflammations and congestion, improves cognitive function, freshen the room.

Oil diffusers and burners tend to be cheaper than candles, so you would be getting more for your money. Oils are also more potent than candles so you would be using a lot less, and the smell would fill the room more efficiently.

Room Spray

How: Essential Oils and water into a glass spray bottle (there is a recipe in the links below, I will also be working on some of my own).

Benefits: Simple and easy to make, it doesn’t require a ridiculous amount of extra chemicals. You can freshen up the room and decide what you want the room to smell like. There are no foreign chemicals that are dangerous to inhale, like a lot of other room sprays and air fresheners.

Perfume/Body spray

How: Essential Oils with either an oil base, or an alcohol base. Into a glass spray-bottle. There is a recipe in the links but try to be adventurous and use different scents.

Benefits: Much better for your skin. There aren’t any toxic ingredients that irritate your skin. It will smell a lot nicer and be your own personal scent. It is much, much cheaper than the fancy perfumes that usually don’t smell that nice anyway.

Hair

How: You can mix different oils together, or use just one oil. Simply rub a few drops into your hair (on their own or with your shampoo/conditioner).

Benefits: The main benefit is that you can target specific problems your hair may have. For example:

  • Thinning hair – Peppermint, tea tree
  • Fine hair – Aloe Vera
  • Dry hair – Shea Butter, avocado oil
  • Dry scalp – Chamomile, rosemary, thyme

Side note: Dr Bronner’s Castile Soap is very natural, with lots of essential oils. There are many scents to choose from (my favourites are green tea, citrus, and lavender, to name a few) or you can choose the plain one and add your own oils. You can use it on hair, skin, even to wash dishes.

Lotion/Body Butter

How: 75% solid carriers (coconut oil, shea butter, cocoa butter, etc.) with 25% liquid oils. There is a recipe in the link below with a method on how to make it.

Benefits: Specific to your skin’s needs, with no irritating or toxic ingredients.

Massage

How: Just rub oils into your skin. When you get a massage, ask the masseuse for a specific oil or bring your own blend.

Benefits: You can target specific muscle and joint pains, certain oils decrease pain. Makes a massage more smooth and relaxing, and leaves your skin feeling soft and hydrated after.

The added benefit to using homemade products is that you know that there is no animal products and no animal testing going into the things you use. Making any product you make vegan friendly.


QOTD: What essential oils work best for you? How do you use it? Where do you buy it?


Sources and further reading:

Getting Through a Panic Attack

Sometimes panic attacks are caused by overthinking and sometimes, you have no idea why it’s happening. These are some techniques to reduce anxiety and, hopefully, stop a panic attack in its tracks.

Disclaimer: Everybody is different so all of these might work for one person, while none of them work for another person.

Technique #1: Deep Breathing

Inhale for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Repeat that 10 times. Regulating your breathing, lowers your heart rate, and automatically calms you down.

Make sure you breathe using the whole of your lungs. To do that, lay on your back and take deep breaths. Your tummy should expand as you inhale, and shrink as you exhale.

Technique #2: Redirecting Thoughts

What many people try to do is distract themselves with TV. The reason this doesn’t work is because watching TV doesn’t require a lot of brain activity, so you still think about the problem. You are telling yourself not to think about it, so you think about it more.

Redirecting thoughts is different. Instead of trying not to think about the problem, do an activity that requires your full attention. This way, your brain doesn’t have a chance to overthink things.

Some ideas: writing, painting, playing an instrument, sports, tidying the house.

Technique #3: Grounding Techniques

Grounding works well because most panic attacks are a worry about the past or the future. Grounding tries to bring you back to the present. There are 2 good methods.

The first is the 5-4-3-2-1 method. It works like this:

  • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

The other method is to list 5 things to do with a certain category. The What’s Up – Mental Health App is good for this.

For example: 5 football teams, 5 colours, 5 songs by Madonna, etc…

 

QOTD: What method(s) do you use to get out of a panic attack?

 


 

Sources and further reading: