Loneliness

I think this is something that needs to be talked about.

The end of one year, coming into the beginning of a new one, really messes with my head. Another year gone. It has been a really distressing and painful experience. I’m not sure why. I guess I figured that I would be better by now and would be back to my old self. Instead, I am worse than ever, in some ways, and I don’t even remember who I was before all off this…or who I am now. Distressing.

With all of that, I think about the friends that have come and gone over the years, how much I miss them, how much everyone has changed and maybe I have too. I don’t forget friends, they stay in my heart even many years after they have moved on and forgotten me. I know I am an afterthought for most people (due to my severe lack of social skills) so I try not to check in on people or try to repair an old friendship because they aren’t interested. I have tried many times in the past and keep getting shut down. And what with university and more years passing, the last of my high school friends have slipped away. That just leaves me with the agonising realisation of just how alone I am. Not alone – lonely.

I have tried going out but I am so so bad in social situations. Even in my own family, I get ignored, ridiculed, and shunned, so I eventually give up. In public, with strangers, it is so much worse. I can barely get any words out and when I do, it is something stupid that nobody finds funny and we end up in an even deeper awkward silence.

So I think, maybe I could try to meet people online. Have some online friends. That would be nice. Skype, messenger, games. But how the hell do you meet people online? Seriously? I have made online friends in the past but now I don’t know how to do it. I’m so out of touch with reality and my social skills are getting worse than they already are with lack of practice. So with the two people I do talk to online, I am very bad at talking and it would probably take years to meet them in person, if ever. I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to be around people.

On top of all of that, last night, I was lying in bed and randomly a memory popped into my head. A bittersweet memory. I tried to remember the year, I think it was 2012 or 2013. I had a small group of friends, we were sitting in the entrance area of one of the drama rooms in the school during lunch and we would join in on Diablo Club held by what was probably my favourite teacher in the school. We used to go every thursday until there was a small falling out amongst the group and eventually diablo club was closed once we reached exam season. [As I’m writing, I just realised that it was 2012 because The Amazing Spider-man and Ice Age: Continental Drift were released the same year which I remember because the school did a thing where we could watch one of those movies]. Anyway, it’s not that exciting of a memory but life was good. 2012 was my favourite year and that time was genuinely the last time I was happy. Sure, I have been happy, smiled, and enjoyed myself since then but 2012 was the last time I was actually content in my life and happy about the way things were going. Things only got worse after that until now, as gradual a change as it may have been.

I’m telling you, loneliness messes with you. I thought I was moving on from those memories but in my loneliest moments, the memories creep back in and I will miss people I haven’t spoken to for years. On the off chance that you were one of my old friends and you’re reading this, I never forget how much my friends mean to me, they will always mean the world, and I will always be available to talk to. I know I may come off too strong but that is only because I have so much love in my heart and I think everyone deserves to feel loved but sometimes I come across a bit like an excitable puppy that jumps all over you. I have the best intentions but it doesn’t translate well to the humans who maybe have boundaries.

I guess the point of this rambly post was really to let out some of my thoughts over the last month. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore and that’s why I have this blog. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to or confide in so this blog is all I have. Ironically, I’ve been feeling so lonely that I haven’t felt like writing anything, if that is irony?

My final word will be:

Make sure, if you ever feel lonely, or if you just want to talk to someone, reach out to me because I don’t want anyone to feel that way and I could use the company too.

Farewell, until we meet again.

Goals of 2018…12 months later

Lose Weight

Since my last goal update, I have maintained my weight. That means that this year, I have lost 26lbs. I definitely lost weight. I can’t wait to see what next year brings for my my health but this year was definitely a huge step in the right direction.

6 Books Read

I did not do this. I am reading about 5 or 6 books currently and am slowly making progress through all of them, they will probably be finished next year.

10 Projects Completed

Other than the 5 I already completed (blanket, mitten, pug, chibi drawings, unicorn earrings, clay cats), I can think of a few other things I completed since then: unicorn cake, portrait of Jeff Hardy, Bojack Horseman clay figure, scrapbook for clothing designs, and some digital outfits that I made on IMVU. There may be more but that’s 10. Really the point of the goal was to get me doing creative things again. All the things I listed are either on my instagram or will be posted eventually.

Make Progress On Story

I decided against this goal so I could put all my writing efforts into this blog. I haven’t given up on the idea of making a story but I want the story to be right for me and I want my writing to improve first. It will happen eventually but my focus is somewhere more important.

Start Selling on etsy

I was selling on etsy but lack of sales forced me to stop. For next year, I will be focusing more on improving the quality of my products and put more effort into advertising and sharing my shop.

100 Followers on this blog

I only got to 28 but that is pretty good considering how inconsistent I am on here. Next year, I will be posting more and my content quality will improve and become more consistent.

Start Education Blog

As I said in the last post: “I did it, then I decided that I really didn’t need two blogs. I merged them, now we are one. I like it better like this. It will be a good mix of personal things and the stuff I’m passionate about.”

In conclusion, this has been a struggly year. I can’t promise everything will be perfect next year but I can promise that I have learnt and I have improved. Things can only get better.

Farewell, until we meet again. Happy New Year!

Good things about this year.

I always see the negative in life. It is just the louder part. If 99 people hug you and one person punches you, you don’t remember the 99 positives, you always remember the 1 negative. So I wanted to make a list of things that happened this year that are positive. That way, I always have this post to look back on.

  • The Unicorn cake. It was one of the biggest, most exhausting projects I’ve ever done (especially at a time where my energy levels are crazy low) and it really paid off. Experiences like that is what makes everything worth it. It may not seem like a lot to some people but it was a lot for me. It was my passion for baking, art, and hard work all being used. Hopefully, I can do stuff like this again next year. Big projects with planning and work that pays off into this masterpiece (which I don’t think is too grandiose a term).
  • Lip piercing. Much like the tattoo I got last year, this piercing is something I have wanted for many years. Actually 7 years. Ever since I started watching WWE again after a 2 year break back in 2011. I turned on the screen and, immediately, CM Punk became my favourite ever. I agreed with everything he stood for in and out the ring and absolutely idolised him (a childish trait I later grew out of). Ever since then, I wanted a piercing in the same place as he has his. And even though I haven’t thought much about him in the last few years since I stopped watching WWE so much and he left, I still really wanted the piercing for more than just CM Punk. It just became part of who I want to be, it means a lot to me, and it looks really cool.
  • I kept this blog going. In regular me fashion, I would have already given up hope on this blog, tried out a new name for me to go by, gotten bored of my usernames, and deleted most of my social media. For some reason, I didn’t this year. Maybe because I feel settled and comfortable with Raven so everything with that name feels right and falls into place, maybe because this time this blog is actually talking about things that are really important to me, maybe because I am so fed up with not doing anything with my life that I am now determined to complete my goals. I’m not sure but what I can say is:
  • Who I am feels right. I have been confused and I have hated myself for most of my life but as I have been reading into things and learning, I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I finally understand what I am in terms of gender (or lack thereof) and I am okay with that. I understand my mental state and why I feel the way I feel, for the most part. It’s all okay. I am okay with who I am.
  • Languages! I resumed my learning of French and German, and decided to learn some other languages. Not necessarily to become fluent in but just to learn some conversational language. My list right now, in order of priority to me, goes: Japanese, French, German, Greek, Italian, Icelandic, Samoan. All very beautiful languages that are very fun to learn, but also very tricky.
  • I have learned so much. Sure there has been a lot of pain this year, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t learnt something every time. People come and go but I will always have myself. I can’t force myself to get better (be that physically, emotionally, or with the skills I’m learning). It takes time, patience, determination hard work, perseverance, and a lot of hope and optimism.

I hope that next year will bring much joy and lessons learned.

Farewell, until we meet again.

One year on this blog!

It’s been a long year but somehow, someway, I’m still here today.

I wish I could make the same tired promise that I’m going to be posting more regularly and it will get more interesting and that there will be a structure but its just simply not true. I can’t make that promise.

What I can promise is no matter how unproductive, unmotivated, and exhausted I feel, I will not give up on this blog. It is something I have been fighting for for my whole life and nobody can take it from me. I know I have so much to give, there are countless ideas and stories in my brain and I am eager to get them out of my head and into the rest of the world’s heads. The tricky part is finding the words to do that.

What’s to come for the next year? I will try to do more projects like tricky cakes, crafts, and whatever other artsy challenges I want to give the old college try. Even if they are once-in-a-while things, I feel like quality is better than quantity? I also want to do more reviews and opinion-based posts for things like food (meals and treats), games, and other things that people suggest. Feel free to leave a comment about anything else you would like to see on this blog.

Overall, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved this year. I have 23 more posts than I did a year ago, 28 more followers. I now have a year of blog writing experience, something that can only help with my future work. I’ve learned an awful lot about blogs and just how hard they are to keep up. Seriously. I don’t know how people manage to keep successful blogs up for years without running out of ideas or motivation. It’s crazy. But most of all, I am proud of my perseverance. I didn’t give up, a fact that will always shock me. This blog has lasted for a whole year and I can’t wait to see it go on for many more.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sticking around.

20…The big 2-0 and why it’s already bad.

On Tuesday, I turned 20. How unprepared I was.

I wish I’d had some event planned, a party, a get together, an idea for a video or a blog? Nope. Let it fly by like everything else.

The things I hoped I would have achieved by now, I have barely started. Life really is what happens when you plan.

It’s weird. When you are younger, like 10 or something, you think of all the things you will finally be able to do when you are grown up but then you grow up and and somehow you can do less. Too depressed and anxious to work, too tired to take care of myself, and desperately clinging onto the hope of future success.

On a lighter note, what have I achieved?

I have a tattoo and colourful hair (something I’ve wanted since I was 6), I finally have a lip piercing (11 year old me would be proud), I’ve had a blog for almost a year now, I took a giant leap of faith and left school when I was 15, I call myself an artist and a creator even though I have yet to make any earning from either of those titles. It’s what I am and I will stand up and own it until it gets me where I need to go.

What’s my next step? What do I want to have achieved and what should I do about it?

I wish I’d kept doing acting and singing, perhaps that is something I could incorporate into my YouTube videos, of course I would have to get better at it first. It used to give me confidence and it is always fun to play the role of someone that isn’t me. I was actually a pretty good actor, even if I was 7. Be confident.

I wish I’d been more social and less terrified of people. Granted, there isn’t much I can do about my crippling social anxiety but regularly talking to (and not avoiding) the one friend I do have would be one hell of a start. Also, to stop being so scared of rejection that I won’t text first or make any plans. How will someone know I want to talk to them if I don’t tell them. Be courageous.

I wish I hadn’t given up on art after my art teacher basically told me I was crap. I loved what I was doing up to that point, art has always been my life. I need to stay true and keep producing the art that I love and share it with the world. Be dedicated.

Those are the main ones. If I think of more things, I will add it to my goals for next year and keep my progress on the blog. The things I just mentioned will definitely be going on next years goal list. I no longer want to let fear hold me back from achieving my dreams. And stop letting self-loathing spoil my confidence.

The will to live.

A trigger warning is probably due.

I am a strong believer that the greatest force in human life is the will to live, so being in a place so dark that you no longer feel that there is a reason to live can be so incredibly hard to break out of.

Despite my severe case of thantophobia, I have a tendency to be very suicidal; narrowly avoiding attempts by remembering that dying will bring me death? I have tried to kill myself many times: tied belts, socks, robe cords, etc. around my neck, held an entire packet of my heart medication in the palm of my hand, stood in the middle of the road waiting to be hit, the list goes on but none of these events have ever had me follow through because I know what will be next. Death.

I want to die. I want the constant pain and torture of my life to stop. I struggle so much on a daily basis and I am not coping. I can barely do basic tasks like brushing my teeth, making some food, and cleaning dishes. Now, I’m not saying that I have it worse than everybody else, because I don’t, but my pain is real and it is valid. I can’t go through life feeling like this anymore. In that sense, I want to die. But I don’t want to be dead. Every single day is a constant battle with myself because I am terrified of dying but I’m also terrified of life and what more it will take from me. I don’t know which is more important to me, which I am more afraid of.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was, or if there was a point at all other than letting out some thoughts. I’m not sure how to fix this thought process or if it ever go. Will I ever stop being so afraid of both life and death, and start living my life the way I was supposed to? Who knows? The one thing I do know is that I have a lot of hope that one day, it will happen. I’ll get everything I ever wanted. I’ll be my true self and I won’t care what anybody thinks of me.

But you know what they say about hope…

Advice to me, from me…

I wanted to talk a little bit about some of the mistakes or misjudgements I have made throughout my life and what I would say to myself if I was my friend (or something like that). I’m still very young so I hope I can learn from these things because I don’t want the things of my past to take over my future. Hopefully, somebody else can relate to this. These are just some of the mistakes I have made:

  • Judging people for their mistakes – even if you are right about them doing the wrong thing, give them a break. Realistically, you don’t know what they are going through in their own head. Please understand their decision, and help them back onto the right path when things don’t go well.
  • Being too overprotective with the people you care about – It is good to care, don’t ever stop loving, caring, and helping, but the people you love don’t always want what is best for them. You can’t save everyone. Say your piece, then let them make their own choice, they will find their way when they are ready.
  • Being too overbearing with people who treat you kindly – just because somebody was nice to you that one time, it doesn’t mean they are your best friend. Accept that not everybody will like you as much as you like them.
  • Pushing away the people you should hold close – however, some people do like you as much as you like them, don’t push them away because you are too scared to get hurt again. Let yourself get hurt, the pain is worth it to find a true friend who will stand by you.
  • The countless times I have felt guilty for being overweight – it is okay, as long as you are improving your diet, getting your exercise, and taking care of yourself, it is okay; the weight will go eventually. Don’t feel guilty.
  • Letting what people think of me control my life – stop hiding away because somebody said you are weird, you don’t have to prove anything to anybody. Be yourself. If people can’t see you for who you really are, you don’t need them.
  • Becoming obsessive about the past – you need to move on. You can’t spend days and nights coming up with things you could have said or done. People leave your life, you can’t get them back by wishful thinking. Talk to them, or move on, or both.

“Forget the past but never forget what it taught you”.


What advice would you give yourself?