Loneliness

I think this is something that needs to be talked about.

The end of one year, coming into the beginning of a new one, really messes with my head. Another year gone. It has been a really distressing and painful experience. I’m not sure why. I guess I figured that I would be better by now and would be back to my old self. Instead, I am worse than ever, in some ways, and I don’t even remember who I was before all off this…or who I am now. Distressing.

With all of that, I think about the friends that have come and gone over the years, how much I miss them, how much everyone has changed and maybe I have too. I don’t forget friends, they stay in my heart even many years after they have moved on and forgotten me. I know I am an afterthought for most people (due to my severe lack of social skills) so I try not to check in on people or try to repair an old friendship because they aren’t interested. I have tried many times in the past and keep getting shut down. And what with university and more years passing, the last of my high school friends have slipped away. That just leaves me with the agonising realisation of just how alone I am. Not alone – lonely.

I have tried going out but I am so so bad in social situations. Even in my own family, I get ignored, ridiculed, and shunned, so I eventually give up. In public, with strangers, it is so much worse. I can barely get any words out and when I do, it is something stupid that nobody finds funny and we end up in an even deeper awkward silence.

So I think, maybe I could try to meet people online. Have some online friends. That would be nice. Skype, messenger, games. But how the hell do you meet people online? Seriously? I have made online friends in the past but now I don’t know how to do it. I’m so out of touch with reality and my social skills are getting worse than they already are with lack of practice. So with the two people I do talk to online, I am very bad at talking and it would probably take years to meet them in person, if ever. I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to be around people.

On top of all of that, last night, I was lying in bed and randomly a memory popped into my head. A bittersweet memory. I tried to remember the year, I think it was 2012 or 2013. I had a small group of friends, we were sitting in the entrance area of one of the drama rooms in the school during lunch and we would join in on Diablo Club held by what was probably my favourite teacher in the school. We used to go every thursday until there was a small falling out amongst the group and eventually diablo club was closed once we reached exam season. [As I’m writing, I just realised that it was 2012 because The Amazing Spider-man and Ice Age: Continental Drift were released the same year which I remember because the school did a thing where we could watch one of those movies]. Anyway, it’s not that exciting of a memory but life was good. 2012 was my favourite year and that time was genuinely the last time I was happy. Sure, I have been happy, smiled, and enjoyed myself since then but 2012 was the last time I was actually content in my life and happy about the way things were going. Things only got worse after that until now, as gradual a change as it may have been.

I’m telling you, loneliness messes with you. I thought I was moving on from those memories but in my loneliest moments, the memories creep back in and I will miss people I haven’t spoken to for years. On the off chance that you were one of my old friends and you’re reading this, I never forget how much my friends mean to me, they will always mean the world, and I will always be available to talk to. I know I may come off too strong but that is only because I have so much love in my heart and I think everyone deserves to feel loved but sometimes I come across a bit like an excitable puppy that jumps all over you. I have the best intentions but it doesn’t translate well to the humans who maybe have boundaries.

I guess the point of this rambly post was really to let out some of my thoughts over the last month. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore and that’s why I have this blog. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to or confide in so this blog is all I have. Ironically, I’ve been feeling so lonely that I haven’t felt like writing anything, if that is irony?

My final word will be:

Make sure, if you ever feel lonely, or if you just want to talk to someone, reach out to me because I don’t want anyone to feel that way and I could use the company too.

Farewell, until we meet again.

Thantophobia

TRIGGER WARNING!

I really don’t want to talk about this.

Lately, I have not been in a good place. This is because I suffer from thantophobia, the fear of death. I have been going through this for the last 5 years, give or take. It is really hard to talk about and I’m not sure I will get through this post without having a panic attack, but I need to get this thought out of my head.

My fear is not the manner in which I die, that doesn’t concern me. I don’t think about that. The fear is what comes after. Generally, I am a very open-minded person. I am not religious or spiritual, I don’t follow any type of belief system, but I don’t not believe believe anything either. I won’t be the guy to say whether or not something is real or fake because I don’t know anything. I know nothing, at the end of the day. But when it comes to dying, nothing can sway the thought of eternal oblivion.

I can’t talk about “would you rather” questions like “would you rather die of cold or die of heat?”, I can’t even consider becoming an organ donor (even though I want to because it’s a great thing to do), I can’t even sleep sometimes because I’m afraid I won’t wake up. If death is like a dreamless sleep, how can I go to sleep knowing that?

Usually, I can somewhat keep the thoughts away with grounding techniques, games, reading, or just consuming myself in some random activity but today has been so bad. The thoughts will not go. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t see a way out. Death is going to happen, there is nothing I can do about it. I keep having panic attacks; I can’t calm down. I don’t know what to do.

If anyone has advice, do leave a comment. I’ll pretty much listen to anything.

Thanks

Heatwaves, Depression, and Future Plans

Ah to find the energy to work, I would do anything.

The motivation is back but I now lack the drive. Probably due to this incessant heatwave. I can’t take it anymore. I have never liked hot weather, but this is just ridiculous.

I have filmed a few videos for my YouTube but I don’t know when, if at all, I am going to edit and upload them. If I do know one thing, it is that I can’t take these long breaks anymore. It just makes it even harder to come back and get into the system again. So we have to have an action plan.

My plan is basically to post whatever I can. That could be an update, a review, a rant, maybe even a short story – anything as long as I keep working. The second part of the plan is to do videos as well. I have started this by trying to go on YouNow and do live videos to get used to talking to a camera. It’s awkward and it gets harder the less you do it. The third part of the plan is to spend extra time studying, researching, and making stuff. That way, I will always have ideas for what to post about.

I apologise for the absence and lack of decent content. I’m working on it and maybe my next post can be a more detailed look at depression and other mental illnesses.

This post is a mess.

Please leave some ideas for blog posts. Things will return to a normal schedule soon.

Thank you.

Getting Through a Panic Attack

Sometimes panic attacks are caused by overthinking and sometimes, you have no idea why it’s happening. These are some techniques to reduce anxiety and, hopefully, stop a panic attack in its tracks.

Disclaimer: Everybody is different so all of these might work for one person, while none of them work for another person.

Technique #1: Deep Breathing

Inhale for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Repeat that 10 times. Regulating your breathing, lowers your heart rate, and automatically calms you down.

Make sure you breathe using the whole of your lungs. To do that, lay on your back and take deep breaths. Your tummy should expand as you inhale, and shrink as you exhale.

Technique #2: Redirecting Thoughts

What many people try to do is distract themselves with TV. The reason this doesn’t work is because watching TV doesn’t require a lot of brain activity, so you still think about the problem. You are telling yourself not to think about it, so you think about it more.

Redirecting thoughts is different. Instead of trying not to think about the problem, do an activity that requires your full attention. This way, your brain doesn’t have a chance to overthink things.

Some ideas: writing, painting, playing an instrument, sports, tidying the house.

Technique #3: Grounding Techniques

Grounding works well because most panic attacks are a worry about the past or the future. Grounding tries to bring you back to the present. There are 2 good methods.

The first is the 5-4-3-2-1 method. It works like this:

  • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

The other method is to list 5 things to do with a certain category. The What’s Up – Mental Health App is good for this.

For example: 5 football teams, 5 colours, 5 songs by Madonna, etc…

 

QOTD: What method(s) do you use to get out of a panic attack?

 


 

Sources and further reading:

Apps and Websites for Mental Health

7 Cups Of Tea (website and app)

A personal growth path which gives you daily activities, such as, listing some things you are grateful for, a 5 minute meditation, motivational videos, and self-help guides that give you information on how to deal with whatever you are going through.

There are also forums where you can help people and share your progress, a 1-on-1 chat with a volunteer listener (kind of like an online helpline), and group discussions where you can talk to people in similar situations.

Headspace (website and app)

Guided meditation. Features include: 2 10-day meditation programmes. More is available with subscription.

Subscription fees: 1 Month = £9.99 ($12.95), 1 Year = £5.99 ($7.99) p/m, 2 years = £4.99 ($6.24) p/m, forever = £299.99 ($419.95)

Included in subscription: Specific meditation techniques for whatever issue you are dealing with.

What’s Up? – Mental Health App

Helpful for dealing with depression, anxiety, and stress. Features include: grounding techniques, breathing techniques, forums, and information about anger, anxiety, depression, self esteem, and stress.

This list will keep being edited and expanded as I find new apps and websites, so be sure to comment anything that works for you.