My motivation to continue this blog is getting stronger every day, but with each day comes more exhaustion. It is a constant battle. I never know what to say or how to quite put it into words. This blog was never supposed to exit the subject of my passions for art, psychology, health, and other things which I could talk for hours on end about, but I can’t keep that up when there is something nagging in my ear on a daily basis. I never talk about my illnesses. I never wanted this blog to be all that personal. But this blog has become nonexistent in the last few months when it once seemed like it was going somewhere. I have planned out post after post after post. I probably have at least 20 bits of paper full of information ready to be adapted into a post, but I simply don’t have it in me to do it.
I am so tired. Every day I have to force myself out of bed. Then I have to decide what it is I do that day: cook, clean, shower, or work? I only have the energy for one, sometimes not even that. I go days without doing any of it.
Everybody tells me to try harder, that all I need is a better diet and some exercise and I’ll be fine. I know the truth. I know it is way more than that. My diet is far from being perfect, I know that, but it isn’t bad. Certainly not bad enough to feel like this. So maybe exercise? When the exhaustion first hit, I had a good diet and I was doing a good 15 – 20 minutes of exercise per day. The reason it stopped was because I got too tired to carry on. It can’t be that. I was healthy when it happened so it can’t be lifestyle.
“Lazy” feels like somebody is pouring lava in my eyes. Few things in life hurt more than hearing the word “lazy” directed at me. I think back to 2 – 3 years ago, going out and seeing people all day, cooking healthy meals, keeping things clean and tidy. Life was good. You think that if I had a choice of things to do in a day, I would choose to sit and do nothing all day? Oh, god no! If I had the energy, I would have made it through my Month of May challenge to cook a different European meal everyday. I got two days in before the energy disappeared and never came back. I would have gotten a job, my dream job, writing a blog and creating videos. Something I thought I would have achieved by now, considering I’ve been working for this for 10 years. But I just can’t do it. I do so much but instead I’m stuck here feeling like crap.
No diagnosis. Nobody knows what’s wrong with me. Nobody knows how to help me. There seems to be no end to the way I am feeling. I apologise deeply for the lack of posts, and if this post was jumbled up and all over the place, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
If anybody knows any way to help, please let me know. I’m stuck in this limbo of nothingness and and I am completely out of ideas.