I think sometimes I forget how bad my heart condition has been. I am so desperate to not be a victim, to myself or others, that I downplay the seriousness and pretend as if it doesn’t exist. I’ve come to the realisation that that way of thinking is probably not very good.
I think that the reason I am so scared of dying, and so scared of doing anything in my life is because of the trouble I’ve had in my childhood. I have nearly died a few times, and while I may have been too young to remember or to fully understand what was going on most of the time, the feeling of fear that it gave me never went away. That, and the anxiety it caused my family and everyone else around me has created the perfect recipe for disaster. Everybody has made sure to wrap me in bubble wrap to keep me safe and while it has kept me alive, it has also made me very isolated and afraid.
I am not happy. It’s not an easy thing to say out loud and it is not an easy thing to type but I am not happy. All I have ever wanted was to be happy. I never saw happiness as someone being smiley and joyful all the time. If you’ve ever seen Inside Out, you know that is unrealistic. I always saw happiness as a general feeling of content. Emotions like sadness, fear, etc. are always going to happen, they can’t and shouldn’t be avoided, but I don’t want those emotions to be in control of my life the way they are right now. I am not happy.
It used to be that even though I didn’t know what would make me happy, I knew what in my life was making me not happy. Now everything is very blurry and I just feel lost all the time and I don’t really know what to do about it. The only thing I can think of is to make a huge change and keep going forward. The only thing stopping me is the fear of it all. The change, failure, being alone, something bad happening. Which is what brought me to thinking about my health.
I definitely downplay the seriousness of my condition, but I also underestimate how much I can actually do. It is getting better as I get older. Everything is under control and is monitored so there is no reason for something to go wrong, especially after things haven’t gone wrong for so many years. So I am safe to go off into the world on my own. Physically, I can do that now, I’ll be okay. So it really is just the fear of the future that is holding me back.
At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I would be fearless but anxiety doesn’t really work that way. It is a constant battle with myself. When life isn’t good, how can change be a bad thing, right?
I wish I could say I have it all figured out now but I really don’t. I feel myself improve slightly but even that scares me. I’m scared of being thrust into the open world before I’m ready to go. I could have all the preparation in the world but it is always going to be a giant, terrifying step that I won’t be ready for.