One year on this blog!

It’s been a long year but somehow, someway, I’m still here today.

I wish I could make the same tired promise that I’m going to be posting more regularly and it will get more interesting and that there will be a structure but its just simply not true. I can’t make that promise.

What I can promise is no matter how unproductive, unmotivated, and exhausted I feel, I will not give up on this blog. It is something I have been fighting for for my whole life and nobody can take it from me. I know I have so much to give, there are countless ideas and stories in my brain and I am eager to get them out of my head and into the rest of the world’s heads. The tricky part is finding the words to do that.

What’s to come for the next year? I will try to do more projects like tricky cakes, crafts, and whatever other artsy challenges I want to give the old college try. Even if they are once-in-a-while things, I feel like quality is better than quantity? I also want to do more reviews and opinion-based posts for things like food (meals and treats), games, and other things that people suggest. Feel free to leave a comment about anything else you would like to see on this blog.

Overall, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved this year. I have 23 more posts than I did a year ago, 28 more followers. I now have a year of blog writing experience, something that can only help with my future work. I’ve learned an awful lot about blogs and just how hard they are to keep up. Seriously. I don’t know how people manage to keep successful blogs up for years without running out of ideas or motivation. It’s crazy. But most of all, I am proud of my perseverance. I didn’t give up, a fact that will always shock me. This blog has lasted for a whole year and I can’t wait to see it go on for many more.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sticking around.

20…The big 2-0 and why it’s already bad.

On Tuesday, I turned 20. How unprepared I was.

I wish I’d had some event planned, a party, a get together, an idea for a video or a blog? Nope. Let it fly by like everything else.

The things I hoped I would have achieved by now, I have barely started. Life really is what happens when you plan.

It’s weird. When you are younger, like 10 or something, you think of all the things you will finally be able to do when you are grown up but then you grow up and and somehow you can do less. Too depressed and anxious to work, too tired to take care of myself, and desperately clinging onto the hope of future success.

On a lighter note, what have I achieved?

I have a tattoo and colourful hair (something I’ve wanted since I was 6), I finally have a lip piercing (11 year old me would be proud), I’ve had a blog for almost a year now, I took a giant leap of faith and left school when I was 15, I call myself an artist and a creator even though I have yet to make any earning from either of those titles. It’s what I am and I will stand up and own it until it gets me where I need to go.

What’s my next step? What do I want to have achieved and what should I do about it?

I wish I’d kept doing acting and singing, perhaps that is something I could incorporate into my YouTube videos, of course I would have to get better at it first. It used to give me confidence and it is always fun to play the role of someone that isn’t me. I was actually a pretty good actor, even if I was 7. Be confident.

I wish I’d been more social and less terrified of people. Granted, there isn’t much I can do about my crippling social anxiety but regularly talking to (and not avoiding) the one friend I do have would be one hell of a start. Also, to stop being so scared of rejection that I won’t text first or make any plans. How will someone know I want to talk to them if I don’t tell them. Be courageous.

I wish I hadn’t given up on art after my art teacher basically told me I was crap. I loved what I was doing up to that point, art has always been my life. I need to stay true and keep producing the art that I love and share it with the world. Be dedicated.

Those are the main ones. If I think of more things, I will add it to my goals for next year and keep my progress on the blog. The things I just mentioned will definitely be going on next years goal list. I no longer want to let fear hold me back from achieving my dreams. And stop letting self-loathing spoil my confidence.

The will to live.

A trigger warning is probably due.

I am a strong believer that the greatest force in human life is the will to live, so being in a place so dark that you no longer feel that there is a reason to live can be so incredibly hard to break out of.

Despite my severe case of thantophobia, I have a tendency to be very suicidal; narrowly avoiding attempts by remembering that dying will bring me death? I have tried to kill myself many times: tied belts, socks, robe cords, etc. around my neck, held an entire packet of my heart medication in the palm of my hand, stood in the middle of the road waiting to be hit, the list goes on but none of these events have ever had me follow through because I know what will be next. Death.

I want to die. I want the constant pain and torture of my life to stop. I struggle so much on a daily basis and I am not coping. I can barely do basic tasks like brushing my teeth, making some food, and cleaning dishes. Now, I’m not saying that I have it worse than everybody else, because I don’t, but my pain is real and it is valid. I can’t go through life feeling like this anymore. In that sense, I want to die. But I don’t want to be dead. Every single day is a constant battle with myself because I am terrified of dying but I’m also terrified of life and what more it will take from me. I don’t know which is more important to me, which I am more afraid of.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was, or if there was a point at all other than letting out some thoughts. I’m not sure how to fix this thought process or if it ever go. Will I ever stop being so afraid of both life and death, and start living my life the way I was supposed to? Who knows? The one thing I do know is that I have a lot of hope that one day, it will happen. I’ll get everything I ever wanted. I’ll be my true self and I won’t care what anybody thinks of me.

But you know what they say about hope…

Advice to me, from me…

I wanted to talk a little bit about some of the mistakes or misjudgements I have made throughout my life and what I would say to myself if I was my friend (or something like that). I’m still very young so I hope I can learn from these things because I don’t want the things of my past to take over my future. Hopefully, somebody else can relate to this. These are just some of the mistakes I have made:

  • Judging people for their mistakes – even if you are right about them doing the wrong thing, give them a break. Realistically, you don’t know what they are going through in their own head. Please understand their decision, and help them back onto the right path when things don’t go well.
  • Being too overprotective with the people you care about – It is good to care, don’t ever stop loving, caring, and helping, but the people you love don’t always want what is best for them. You can’t save everyone. Say your piece, then let them make their own choice, they will find their way when they are ready.
  • Being too overbearing with people who treat you kindly – just because somebody was nice to you that one time, it doesn’t mean they are your best friend. Accept that not everybody will like you as much as you like them.
  • Pushing away the people you should hold close – however, some people do like you as much as you like them, don’t push them away because you are too scared to get hurt again. Let yourself get hurt, the pain is worth it to find a true friend who will stand by you.
  • The countless times I have felt guilty for being overweight – it is okay, as long as you are improving your diet, getting your exercise, and taking care of yourself, it is okay; the weight will go eventually. Don’t feel guilty.
  • Letting what people think of me control my life – stop hiding away because somebody said you are weird, you don’t have to prove anything to anybody. Be yourself. If people can’t see you for who you really are, you don’t need them.
  • Becoming obsessive about the past – you need to move on. You can’t spend days and nights coming up with things you could have said or done. People leave your life, you can’t get them back by wishful thinking. Talk to them, or move on, or both.

“Forget the past but never forget what it taught you”.


What advice would you give yourself?

Goals of 2018…8 Months Later

Lose Weight

Since my last goal update, I have lost 26lbs (nearly 2 stone)! I have still got a ways to go but it seems to be getting better. I have developed a weird thing, for lack of a better word, where I was eating cookies and ice cream, which should be this delicious treat, and I was not enjoying it. Then I was eating steamed vegetables and hummus, or avocado salad, and I was on cloud nine. Surely something has gone wrong when salad is more appealing than cookies and ice cream, right? But at least that’d explain the weight loss.

I have definitely lost weight, I’d say this goal is a success. Huzzah!

6 Books Read

I have made a little progress. I am currently reading 5 books – well, I say reading, what I really mean is avoiding it like the plague and then feeling really guilty that I didn’t do some reading. It’s not even that the books aren’t enjoyable or interesting, I just don’t have the motivation. I’m not sure I can read 4 1/2 books in 3 months. Bit of a challenge.

10 Projects Completed

Not entirely sure what I initially classed as a project. I have definitely kept busy. A quick instagram check and browse around my room tells me that I have completed 6 projects that I can find (blanket, mitten, pug, chibi drawings, unicorn earrings, clay cats), and have about 2 projects in progress.

Whoaaaa we’re halfway there, WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA….

Make Progress On Story

I think I gave up on this one. I think I decided that I was going to put more attention into reading and my blog…glad that decision paid off.

Start Selling on etsy

Technically, right, I did. Nobody bought anything, then I ran out of energy. However, a few people have shown interest in possibly buying a few of my things and hopefully, as my blog and instagram grow a bit, more people will be interested. Probably not until next year though.

I have quite a few ideas of stuff to sell, hang tight. Also, if you see anything on my blog or instagram that you might want to buy, let me know.

100 Followers on this blog

24, as of right now

Start Education Blog

I did it, then I decided that I really didn’t need two blogs. I merged them, now we are one. I like it better like this. It will be a good mix of personal things and the stuff I’m passionate about.

 

To conclude, fatigue and ambition: good combo, they are not. Yet, somehow, I have done some stuff. And I am more active on my blog now, as well. Let’s hope that sticks.


To all of you,

You have to know how difficult it is for me to find the words to express whatever nonsense is going on in my head. It’s almost as tricky as it is for RUN-DMC to rock a rhyme on time (not my joke).

So, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) but I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read my rambling mess of a blog.

There is so much more for me to talk about, this really is only the beginning. With my perseverance and your support, we can really make something great.

Thank you for reading.

-Raven


QOTD: What would you like me to talk about on this blog?

Thantophobia

TRIGGER WARNING!

I really don’t want to talk about this.

Lately, I have not been in a good place. This is because I suffer from thantophobia, the fear of death. I have been going through this for the last 5 years, give or take. It is really hard to talk about and I’m not sure I will get through this post without having a panic attack, but I need to get this thought out of my head.

My fear is not the manner in which I die, that doesn’t concern me. I don’t think about that. The fear is what comes after. Generally, I am a very open-minded person. I am not religious or spiritual, I don’t follow any type of belief system, but I don’t not believe believe anything either. I won’t be the guy to say whether or not something is real or fake because I don’t know anything. I know nothing, at the end of the day. But when it comes to dying, nothing can sway the thought of eternal oblivion.

I can’t talk about “would you rather” questions like “would you rather die of cold or die of heat?”, I can’t even consider becoming an organ donor (even though I want to because it’s a great thing to do), I can’t even sleep sometimes because I’m afraid I won’t wake up. If death is like a dreamless sleep, how can I go to sleep knowing that?

Usually, I can somewhat keep the thoughts away with grounding techniques, games, reading, or just consuming myself in some random activity but today has been so bad. The thoughts will not go. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t see a way out. Death is going to happen, there is nothing I can do about it. I keep having panic attacks; I can’t calm down. I don’t know what to do.

If anyone has advice, do leave a comment. I’ll pretty much listen to anything.

Thanks